the sun is glinting brightly off the leaves as the songs I used to know play quietly, reverberating in the kitchen off a new crate and cage.

Boulder is so isolated. Since I've been back I haven't told really anyone but Lauren and Ian... It's been like three days of semi-solitude. I want to get a facebook and only "friend" people from Kansas. I had a dream that my friend Chris told me to look at his facebook page.

Yesterday Marit and I were pondering how the human soul finds secrecy and mystery appealing. Was it that way before the Fall? Or were man and woman so completely exposed to one another, and they liked it that way?

I don't like it when people leave. I don't want to graduate high school. I mean, yeah sure we have two years left so there's no need to worry, but it's going to go so fast. And I really like it. I never want my friendships to end. But sometimes things just have to change...

I just want to sit in the front seat of Matt's car, sing along as loud as I can to songs I know, and we'll drive east. Not for too long, mind you. But just long enough. It'll be our Matt'n'McKenzie adventure time.

Today is the perfect day to get out and do summer things. But so much stands in the way... Obligations, transportation, or simply differing opinions.

I want to stay in Kansas. People will never understand. I wish our hockey game had gone on for days. I would have even put up with some of the boys doing what they do if it only meant staying and giving them that foolish freedom.

I remember last year floating in the pool being told for the first time all about Kadesh, and now I'm going. It's so weird... Life is weird. I want to go back to Kansas.

Bekah would tell me that she'd have come back here this summer except why? There was nothing to come back to. What have I come back for? I love my life so much. But the closer I draw to Christ the more I feel like I could leave it. Which is a good thing, you know. But it's weird. I haven't even talked to some people in over a week...I've just been running VBS, or camping, or at Kamp, or at Mayhem.

The song "Cannons" is one of my new favorites, I think.

Spontaneous Interlude

here I am, fruitlessly returning to a coal mine in an age riddled with the fear of global warming.  

current songs playing: "Kelsey" by Metro Station, "Falling Slowly" from Once

current memory: Thomas' birthday

current new friend: Mike 

current school-related thought: I never have to worry about french grammar again!

I almost feel like I'm an education- related purgatory.  The worst is over and best is yet to come, and I'm just killing time.  It's kind of nice...but kind of agonizing.  I'll get over it.  After all, who says the best is yet to come?  I have no guarantee of that!  The best is now.  

If you need me, I'll be enjoying the best.

The Way Things Have Changed

so many things have.  It's funny to reflect.  Or sad, to reflect.  

The passage of time is so bittersweet- or maybe it's just the way life is.  

It's so beautiful today.  

Today

Today was really good.  I was living for God today.

That comment probably doesn't make sense to whoever is reading this- if anyone is, or ever will.  But last night I was praying and I was forced to ask myself, "who was I living for today?"  So today God helped me be intentional with my actions.  

The thing is, I was always being intentional with my actions...I just had the wrong intents.  

I feel  like cause and effect happen really quickly in my life.  I mean, it's probably not actually cause and effect, that's just the way things happen, but still.  

Today I was living for God, and it was a really good day.  

After rehearsal Molly and Jacob and I went to Cannon Mine.  I hadn't been in so long, and it was so great to go!  Rehearsal also went really well today.  I mean, we worked stuff.  And it worked.  Yay!  And I finished Tom's slippers.  

Things to pray for: 

-my friend Becca: I'm sort of worried about her.  She ate under 700 calories yesterday.  She thinks she needs to become skinny.  Okay, she's already a totally fine weight!  She says she's so tired, and she thinks she's getting seriously addicted to coffee.  And I'm not sure if it's her sole motivation, but she's partially doing it because she wants to do cheer next year.  There's a lot of things in this paragraph that just make me say yikes.

-Kelda: she looked down today.  I want her to know that she is so immensely loved.  And so beautiful!  Silly girl.   

-my grandpa: he had a stroke earlier last fall, and he had another one two days ago.  This one was really small, but prayer works wonders and I want him to heal completely.

Ironman is drawing nearer and nearer.  I don't want to build it up so that it can never live up to my expectations (I tend to do that and it's really bad), but at the same time I know it's going to be so incredible.  I can't wait!  Today Gary e-mailed everyone about keeping a prayer journal.   That requirement for this trip is something I'm really stoked for.  I've kept a notebook since 7th grade, and...just wow.  I hope that for at least one person it will have the same effect it had for me.  It's been so great that even if one person finds it useful, I'll be really excited.  Of course, I am anyways, so...haha.

I hope this post finds you all well. 

Good

night

God 

bless

~Kenzer Lou

My List of Books to Read

-Abba’s Child

-Blue Like Jazz

-Desire

-Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire

-I Like Jesus, But Hate the Church

-Just Walk Across the Room

-Life of the Beloved

-Sex God

-The Shack

-The Signature of Jesus

-The Tangible Kingdom

-This Beautiful Mess

"I hate life!"

"That's a strong statement."

"It's a strong feeling." 

As darkness falls...

I need to turn on a light.  Because it has grown dark.  Night has come.  

I really don't like night.  Night is only good for two things (and one is only occasionally a "good"): sleep, and going out.  Neither of which I'm doing now, therefore...

I feel like Sally: "I don't know- I was just jumping rope, and then all of a sudden it all seemed so futile."

I visited my tree today.  I went to my park, and I stopped by where my old tire swing was.  It still irks me that my tire swing was removed.  You know, I made the rope that I hung that with, and it was a darn good rope, and I want it back!  But really that's not the point.  I miss my tree, and my park, and the lake.  Baseline Lake is much bigger and you can go swimming in it in the summer time- that is, if you're deemed worthy to join their elite group.  And since we have not yet qualified for this honor, I can't go near it.  

I miss grass.  Long, green grass full of little aphids...and stars- I miss it being warm enough to stay outside for hours and stare at them.  I miss lying in the middle of the road wrapped in a sleeping bag in Breckenridge.  That was such a great trip...we were all together.  I want my life to be like that, just all the time.  I want to live with people, to really do life together.  

Kaylin's coming over for dinner!  She's really nice.  When we went to San Diego for Thanksgiving Break she was there.  It kind of makes me sad that none of my friends have any idea who Kaylin is.  There are so many things I would love to get in these huge discussions about, but they never come up.  And I don't want to just bring them up-

I want someone to really work to get to know me, someday.  I want them to invest the time and energy it would take and to learn for themselves the things I care about, and think about.  I want to have conversations where what we care about just naturally comes out, because we're just sort of sharing ourselves in the conversation.  That would be cool.  

Oh, if life fit into ideals.  

Strange

This blog still exists. Weird. I almost feel like one of those little babies, learning about object permanence. Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there. Kind of like my history essay. Which needs to be started.

Wow. I kind of miss this.

Status Update

I really hate being sick.  I'm awfully glad I haven't had to go to school the past two days, but catchup is going to be like death.  It's so nice out and I wish I could go outside for a bike ride.  I feel like a stinking invalid.  But it has been nice to get some extra sleep.  Let me know how school was!  

Nothing

There really isn't anything to say.  What can I say?  This whole post is just going to be me trying to put together words, but failing.  Being wrong- "Linus, you're wrong!"

*half-hearted laugh*

*tear*

Exhausted

Why am I even taking the time to post this?  I should really be showering.  Or studying for the history test.  Or doing the current events, or reading the frontier america packet, or thinking about my essay, or catching up on the After Class website, or filling out my french packet, or studying for the science test, or doing my math homework, or...

It's not that I'm falling behind on my homework.  Well, I am, slightly, but that's not the main problem.  The main problem is that I swear teachers are assigning more.  Or at least, Mr. Preuss is.  And so is Madame Sachs.  And seeing as I am busier than ever, it's not working out so well.

Some mornings I just get up and ask myself why.  What do I really have to look forward to that day?  Because honestly, just staying in bed would be so much of an improvement some days!

But I know that every day God has a specific task laid out for me, and most of the time that task is not getting more sleep (though lately it's seriously becoming more and more likely).  

Having some huge academic commitment every single day of the week is so not okay with me though.  That's like, un-motivating.  I honestly think I have a test or project every day this week!  With the end of the week drawing closer and closer, I'm freaking out a bit more.  Teachers?  Could some of you please read this, and note my overwhelmed state of mind?  Doing homework when I feel like this does not teach me anything but resentment for you.  Please stop making me.  

Stupid

People do such stupid things for what they think is love.  Or maybe they're not even that naive.  I'm sure many of them know it won't last and it's just "like."  

But they'll still do such stupid things to get their girl or their boy.  Even if it means hurting someone along the way?  Is it worth that?  

I guess it shows how much that person valued the someone they hurt.  Apparently that person values this temporary fading attraction more than they value the someone they hurt.  

Like, I know that's not true, but that's certainly the impression they cast.  And if that's not how they want to be viewed, maybe they shouldn't have done whatever they did.  

The Train, huh?

Well, Kenz, I must agree with you. I think the hormone train came and ran Katie right over. :) And the blogs are dying... sad. Well Katie, if you do end up reading this, you must say how your date went today! It's still so strange saying those words...